Tag Archives: sharing

Making Space for Unconventional Alternatives: An Interview with Michaela O’Connor Bono

by Sarah

Michaela O’Connor Bono and I met when we were both Zen students at Tassajara Zen Mountain Center the summer of 2006.  Michaela was coming right out of post-Katrina New Orleans, and I was just touching down from years of human rights work in Colombia; we bonded immediately and have been friends ever since.

I just returned from ten days in New Orleans working with Michaela, her partner Koji, and their Zen Center. In this interview, I talked with Michaela about their growing Buddhist center, building a community, and how it is to work with your partner on your life project.

Michaela and Koji
Michaela and Koji

Michaela is now a resident priest at Mid City Zen in New Orleans, and has been practicing Zen Buddhism since 2003.  After evacuating New Orleans following Hurricane Katrina, she lived and trained at both Tassajara and Green Gulch Farm Zen Centers. Michaela was ordained as a Soto Zen priest in September 2010.  Besides leading a Buddhist center, she is active in restorative/transformative justice.

I was in New Orleans to help Mid City Zen set up some systems so they can do their work more easefully. As we worked together to build the structure of their organization I found myself thinking a lot about structure.  When I’m at home, our tiny house build feels very tangible to me–it’s about boards and beams, nails and screws.  But out in New Orleans, I was able to see the big picture again, and remember that this build is not just about building a house; it’s about building our life together.

While we talked, Michaela made lunch for us (black-eyed pea salad with dill, sautéed kale, grilled cheese) and I sat at the kitchen table taking notes.

Sarah:  What are you guys doing here at Mid City Zen in New Orleans?

Michaela:  We’re trying to balance religious life with secular life, for our own benefit and the benefit of everybody else we talk to.  Right now we’re operating a zendo out of our house, offering daily meditation, classes, and visiting teachers. We’re simultaneously building a temple from the ground up, which will offer more of those things, and a residential life.  Having left the cozy, loving, and disciplined monastic Zen practice lifestyle that supported us for many years, we wanted to see if we could take that into New Orleans.

Which aspects did you want to take with you to New Orleans?

The supportive community and the benefits of Zen practice.  I wanted to share those things outside of the monastic setting.

What kind of benefits of Zen practice?

Seeing your own thoughts, mind, and heart, and being grounded, And just having a practice.

What does community mean to you?  What are the things from your previous experience that you’re trying to bring to life here?

Sharing resources, sharing common goals, supporting one another to have a spiritual practice.  It’s really hard for me to achieve anything on my own.  So it’s important to find a way to work together and be in harmony with each other so that it supports all of our spiritual practice.  That’s why people go to a church or go to a temple.  People can have their own spiritual practice but it’s more supportive when it’s in a group with others.

Is supporting spiritual practice the central thing that community does for you?

Community is an alternative to the alienation that a lot of people feel in their daily lives, and to the highly individualized way we sometimes live our lives. It’s about sharing a life together as opposed to everybody living separately and doing things separately.

Any thoughts about community in New Orleans specifically?

Well, it’s been quite an adventure to try to promote discipline in this city.  There are so many more fun things to do than sit still.  But I think people really appreciate taking a break from the chaos to check in with themselves and to meet other people who are interested in meditation. I had always had the dream of having a zendo here but doing it with a partner is amazing.  I can’t imagine doing it on my own.

Tell me more about working with your partner.

Even right now, Koji just went away for three weeks and I notice the difference; it’s so much easier to share the responsibility.  Also there’s that same thing about not being able to do things on your own, being in a relationship is like a mini-community within a community.

Can you put into words how it’s different to do something like this with your partner rather than with someone else?

There’s two aspects of it–what’s it like to be in a relationship when you have a shared goal versus when you don’t?  And–what’s it like to work on a project with your partner as opposed to with not-your-partner.

Yeah, I am really interested in both of those aspects.

What’s it like to be in a relationship and have a shared goal?  I don’t want to sound negative but it’s really hard.  You have to figure out a way to work with each other and not let your relationship dynamics get too much in the way.  On the other side, knowing each other’s dynamics so thoroughly can actually help your working relationship.  Everything that’s a challenge about being in a relationship and working together is also a benefit.  The things you know about your partner, how you’ve communicated in your relationship, can help you communicate about the project you’re working on.  You are always learning how to communicate–communication is the biggest thing, in the relationship or the project, at least for us.
It’s tricky when you ask someone to do something for the project, you have to be aware, you have to check, “Why am I asking them to do that and how am I asking?”  You need a lot more awareness.  And, it’s a real joy to have a partnership where you have a shared goal.  A lot of couples come to that point of, “Are we compatible?  Do we have a shared idea of what our life is supposed to be like?” Some people answer that with having children or living in a certain place or a job.  For us it’s really amazing because it’s a shared spiritual path, it’s a shared location path, and it’s a shared existential path: why we do what we do.

That is really great.

Of course we have discussions about the details of what that will look like but we don’t have to spend too much time wondering what’s the most important thing.

Or negotiating what the thing is.

Right.  We have this really solid amazing tradition that’s been handed down to us for thousands of years, and we can rely on that and trust that, and we also have to make it our own.  And I think we’re doing that in our relationship as well.  We have a shared understanding of how to treat each other, how we can study ourselves and take responsibility for our own minds and hearts, and take care of each other.  That understanding comes directly from our tradition and our practice.  And we have to make that our own too, “What does that look like?”  But we have a solid, ancient support system.

I feel that in my relationship too.

It’s amazing.  I can’t imagine it any other way.  And a side note, I have this constant faith and trust that my partner is always working on what they need to be working on, in the personal, internal… that they’re always going to be self-reflecting and taking responsibility.  I don’t ever question that, which is very different than in other kinds of relationships I’ve been in.

We had that conversation the other day about how you and Koji are building a Zen temple and Joseph and I are building a tiny house and they seem very different, but there is actually this similarity.  We are each doing what is true to us, somehow our paths are sprouting from the same place.

It’s setting up a place from which we’ll do the work in the world that we need to do.  It offers us an unconventional alternative to the conventional options.  You can use the tiny house in many ways, especially since you’re building it off the grid.  You can take it to where you want to go which is important to how you want to live.  And for us we want to live sharing our lives with a larger community, with more people, so we have to set up the space we can do that.

I think what I’m trying to get at also is how we are each responding to our different causes and conditions.  And the response looks different because the conditions are different, but we are actually doing the same thing, which is to find what is truest and deepest, what is at the root, and to try to prioritize that.  And for you that is being in New Orleans, living with other people, and sharing a Zen practice together.  And for us that looks like financial freedom which allows for creative life, mobility for now, and also having a home.  So those responses look different, but for each us they are the true root response to our conditions.  It sounds obvious now that I said it, but I actually just realized the similarity being here with you.  I had thought we were doing very different things.

Yes.

outside shoes

If you want to learn more about Michaela and Koji’s project, please visit: midcityzennola.blogspot.com.  Their website is in development, so check back often for updates.

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A Strong Foundation, and a Wall

by Joseph and Sarah

It’s been an eventful month here at our group build site in Sonoma.  As a group, we’ve been building subfloors onto our trailers and starting to frame our walls.   Here’s a little update we wrote for the Tumbleweed Tiny House newsletter, and we added a bonus here:  a short video of our build progress!  Check it out at the end of this post.

I’m sure we’ll get used to it one day, but for now Joseph and I often find ourselves thinking, “This is actually happening! This is our house!”  There is something so special about knowing exactly what is going into every single part of this house–every self-tapping metal screw, piece of plywood, and batt of insulation.

We started by protecting our future houses by screwing pressure-treated 2X6s all around trailer’s outer edge.  It’s not easy to screw through pressure-treated lumber or steel trailers, let alone both.  But we got much better at it as we went around each trailer, eventually settling into the right balance between effort and gentleness to get the screws all the way in without breaking.

Next we put in the subfloors.  Meg and Dan (Team Yellow) and Joe and Breanna (Team Purple) used polystyrene insulation that they cut to fit between their trailer struts.  After Team Red’s (that’s us) woeful experiment with washing wool for insulation we bought batts of recycled denim and fit those in.  We put down construction adhesive, sill sealer, then we attached ¾” plywood.  Yahoo–we have subfloors!

We are doing a traditional “stick build,” so we got going on modifying our plans to fit our salvaged windows, and then cutting sill plates for the whole house.  We then cut the studs for the back wall and nailed them together with our new serious, dangerous tool, a pneumatic nail gun.  Ka-thunk!  We now have a back wall.

Sharing tools, batteries, and hands was such a benefit in this physical process.  Lifting ¾” ply is not easy by yourself, nevermind placing the tongue in the groove and getting it all screwed down.  When we made a mistake on our house, it was satisfying to be able to talk about what happened, and prevent our co-builders from doing the same thing.

The other two couples are building with SIPS (structural insulated panels), which have not yet arrived.  In the meantime, Joe and Bre are researching old-time-y locks with skeleton keys for their front door.  They’re also shopping around for a speak-easy door hatch.

Coming up next, a good old-fashioned SIPS-raising.  Also, torching exterior siding shou-sugi-ban-style (What? You’ll see!) And more walls from us, definitely.

If you’re on Facebook, please check out our Seeds with Wings page – we are trying to post photo updates pretty often.  And below is our fascinating yet concise build update video and pictures.  You can see our first wall!

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Noble Silence: Being Ourselves and Being Together

by Sarah

I wrote a few weeks ago about how Joseph and I are keeping our shared projects organized.  This time I wanted to write about something that’s often harder for us: staying engaged with the projects we are working on separately.

It is easy to prioritize the things that we are working on together–someone else is counting on it and it’s fun to discuss and update.  Even right at this moment I have prioritized writing for our shared website.  It just feels more urgent.  We know we need to carve out time for our own personal practices and work, but those are often the realms that fall off the bottom of the list.  I’ve noticed this before when trying to juggle shared work and individual work.  The shared work has a denser gravitational pull.

The gravity seems to be even stronger when the person I’m sharing the project with is Joseph, my love and partner.  Joseph and I have been together for more than a year-and-a-half now.  It feels like we’ve been together for a long time, but really we are still early in our journey of negotiating which life spaces we share, and which paths we each need to walk on our own.  We are each learning how to be ourselves and be together, even while those selves are growing, and are changing in response to the life we are building together.

One little piece we’ve been experimenting with lately is getting up earlier and keeping a “noble silence” for the first two hours that we are awake.  The term “noble silence” comes from the Zen Center where we both studied.  It’s is a way of protecting an inward-facing experience, even when you are with a group of people.  During the monastic practice period much of the day is spent in noble silence–no checking-in with your roommate or chatting with a friend over tea. I actually found it the opposite of restrictive–it was freeing not to have to make conversation or to process events out loud.  I could just settle into my own unmediated experience.

During our morning silent period now, we try not to interact, and we each do whatever we need to–whether stretching, meditating, writing, studying, planning, researching.  Actually, I’m not sure exactly what Joseph is working on (and maybe he’ll post about that soon!), because we are using privacy to protect the creative space of our mornings.  I’ve been working on getting clear on my new offer (see more about Sarah).

This noble silence is useful now, while we are sharing a space and projects, and I think it will only become more useful when we are sharing an even smaller (tiny house!) space.  Being able to be in the same space together without always interacting seems like a useful tool in our… how-we-are-together tool belt.

Even though we both know it is important, it’s so easy to skip the morning silent time.  Other more tangible tasks are written on our window to-do list.  And sleeping in is pretty nice too.  We usually only manage it about half the days of the week, and haven’t fit in a full two-hour period for a while now–even though we know it’s one of the supports that makes the rest of the projects possible!  After writing about publicly I hope we’ll be ever more compelled to actually do the practice more often…like maybe every day.

How do you make sure to prioritize the things that may not feel urgent but are actually important?  When you’re working closely with another person (especially a partner), how do you also keep your individual journey going?  I’d love to hear any of your reflections in the Comments.